Wednesday, November 01, 2006
The big day is coming real soon .
I know its abit wrong to think in such at crucial moments like this , but i can't help but to worry & be envy about it .
You know at times i seriously wish i'm smart& diligent or i have a very strong initiative&motivational drive .
You know on the first day of raya & saturday's raya , hearing the cousin talk about results , how much some got 2nd&3rd in class , some having a commendable percentage yet screws up the level percentage , how one aspires to be in SAJC , VJC , RJC , how one feels having 6 A2s , would affect your route in life , how one wants badly to enter somewhere but distance played an important factor , pains me deep inside .
How come when i was in secondary phase , all these didn't come in mind ?
Yes i admit i aspire to be in SAJC , but did i even make a single fucking effort ?
Did i even make an effort to think about my grades thoroughly , like how the cousins & sister did .
Did i manage my time well in CCA & studies ?
No my cousins aren't hard core muggers .They do have commitments , they do shop more often than me , they hav more to handle than i do .
One was an avid tennis player who goes shopping with his classmates like all the time after class , another a versatile hocker at a young age of 14 , the sister ; the leadership person in school , the cousin a multi-talented musician & a stubborn boy , the cousin the class chairperson & happy go lucky girl in school , one was a famous hot rugger in ACS(I) who did super badly in sec 3 & was forced to drop a subject , yet he picked himself up & did well for O's ultimately .
Did i worry in sec 2 , about the subjects im taking in Sec3 ?
Yes , i admit im contented with what the subject combi cos i do pretty well in my double humans , but did i take others into considerations ?
Now that i have to do this all over again , i'm badly ashamed , thou i know many are supportive of it .
Why can't be like everyone of them ?
Then we all can have an additional common interest to talk about .
I wont feel left out & just pretend to go to the toilet .
Why dont i whine : R5 14 is just so screwed lah! what a fail in math! I'm so dead!
Why dont i go : OMG YAY A 9 for O's! OR OMG I GT AN A2/A1 BABY!
Instead i go : HA! finally i pass the god damn chem! Why cant i get math concepts just right? TSK! Yet do nothing much about it . I make an effort , bt the minimal one that is .
WHYYY!!!??
You know if you were to tell me , " but you got 4 B3s for your O's , dont press on yourself too much" .
Shut up for goodness sake!
That freaking 4 B3s , didnt help me in the aftermath of everything .
It seriously didn't .
You know i've been a good girl .
Just a decent B would satisfy me eventhough in many eyes it doesnt .
I've had a tough year & a B would be just fine .
I'm not even asking for a god damn A to please the shit outta me .
you know when i heard mea & me are experiencing relatively the same thing , i'm slightly relieved .
Cause i know how that other party feels .
I knw exactly how she feels when we shared during the study sessions . But i cant just walk the talk , can i ?
Maybe i should believe in jaey words , second chances do work in life .
In JC for his case , in Sec life for mine .
